Alcoholicsm is my wish

Oh no, don't get me wrong. I don't think there's a good reason to be an alcoholic but I want to be one right now coz I'm freezing and I really want to have some something down my throat that can warm me up instantly, both inwardly and outwardly so I can move my stiff fingers and stop getting pins and needles on my legs from sitting in a really awkward position, miserably trying to make myself less expose to the coldness, and thanks to my brain-freeze, all I can think of is Alcohol. If only I'm an alcoholic, I will be out all night partying and clubbing, without having to worry for my electric bill if I turn my heater on 24/7 and I get to lose weight either by puking or dancing.

On another note, I been having really good days especially from working at the restaurant. Firstly, my boss thought that I got better which means acceptance and recognition for my hard-works. Secondly, a customer said to me, he thinks the boss has better taste this year as the girls working this year are prettier! Thirdly, the chefs really like me, they bully me sometimes but they always help me when I have to dig out the chicken bones or pouring hot soups and sometimes when I make a mistake, they asked for a fly-kiss and forgive me straight away! Fourthly, I been getting some male attentions, it wasn't sexual or emotional but guys been talking and smiling to me (not the normal customer to waitress smile though). Fifthly I got my pay and I opened a saving accounts so here come my first serious saving!

Well, there's always a dark side, I been procrastinating. I have two homework assignments due this coming week, another one and a research proposal and a mid term test the week after and my 1 week holiday is coming to an end! Oh shit, what have I been doing for the past 6 days?! sleep, eat, watch, facebook, work, and I didn't even do my cleaning duty for so long now, I feel really bad for my flatmate as she has a lazy ass flatmate, ME!

Overall, my holiday turned out funner than I expected. I love you all and thanks for all the hugs!

Hugs!

I'm in need of a real hug right now. Someone please hug me tight and tell me I'm not alone and I had made the right decision.

Philophobia is the fear of emotional attachment; fear of being in, or falling in love

What do you think how I feel? I study psychology and through it, I realized I have a psychological disorder. 

Yes, I diagnosed myself as having mild philophobia. I am just afraid of emotional attachment from the male species. There is this human who is my friend and we have been in the blurry realm for years. I am happy with that until recently he is getting a tad bit too attached to me, at least that's what I feel. Then I started to have the urge to push him away. This is not the first time. I been pushing him away whenever we are slowly stepping out from the blurry zone. And probably this phobia is also responsible for my many short relationships. In the past, I never failed to find a lame excuse to breakup with a guy and I didn't feel heartbroken at all! Not once at all! Yeah, I know I showed sadness to some of you after a breakup but to be honest, it was just my act of making myself to believe I am not that cold-blooded. Only things I felt were that I lost something I really like but on the same time relieved and also slight guilt to the God. I know myself, whenever I got someone I like or went out with someone, I started to look out for flaws in them, even if I really liked them and I can't find any flaws in them, I created them. Whenever someone try to tell me he loves me, I will think of a way to prove that they do not. I been telling friends that I don't want to have serious relationships, prefer flings and my dream is to be like Barney but female version.

Oh my god, I think I have more than just mild philophobia, my conditions are really bad!

Maybe I should consider getting a professional help from a trained psychologist